Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
fly smarter, not harder
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”