my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents