“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice