Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
good morning
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
you gotta be faster
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Good morning!
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps