He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
You can’t rush stupid.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.