Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Pretty much! 😂👀
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?