I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Breaking news:
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.