Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you