When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.