Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.