my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
oh my god
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.