Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
love it when they get my name right
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.