I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
San Francisco has too many rules
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*