Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?