Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”