“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
You Might Also Like
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
i really liked this one
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu