Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.