I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.