Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn