“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I hope this email finds you in a well
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*