There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.