I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.