I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory