Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.