#parenting
You Might Also Like
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
A short story of betrayal:
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?