Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.