While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.