God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong