Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse