Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.