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Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.