I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar