[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Jurassic park gets weird
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
finally found a reasonable question
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.