pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
the only organized thing in my life is crime
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*