If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[a food doesn鈥檛 agree with me] i don鈥檛 recall asking for your opinion
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You鈥檙e not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
When I asked for my wife鈥檚 hand in marriage, I didn鈥檛 realize how often I鈥檇 just get the finger.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I鈥檓 in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else鈥檚 service dog.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sorry for the way I鈥檓 dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Pretty sure I鈥檝e gotten as far as I鈥檓 going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it鈥檚 been heating up
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.