*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
You Might Also Like
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
hear me out : pockets for your socks
This meeting could have been a cake
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?