If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.