me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
You Might Also Like
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.