GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.