MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.