I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*gets down on one knee*
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her