me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You Might Also Like
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I ate everything, including the H.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.