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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Yup!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
✌🏽
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin