He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
You Might Also Like
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”