Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
rise and shine we got egg