[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Namaste
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
hear me out : pockets for your socks
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.