It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.