photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*