“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Clients after you give them your rates
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
それは草
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.