try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*